I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
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I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Thoughts
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
pat pat
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”