If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
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boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?