Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
The answer is funnier than the question
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I love you…
…r dog.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.