Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.