Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops