do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!