I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
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THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.