*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
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me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
How your email finds me
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
School be like
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?