My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
decorating my apartment
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”