Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Buck naked
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I drew y’all a little something.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?