“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations