Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
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I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Bed should get ready for ME
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize