Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
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Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.