Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
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Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
peeping toms
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.