ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.