Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Huge, if true.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.