when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.