Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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m’lady
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Dishonest mechanic?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.