If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
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[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
sry
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.