“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
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The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean