mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
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Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
happy friday
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild