I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
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My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
In case you needed to hear it:
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I’m awake but I object,
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*