I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
New tinder profile pic
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Always
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Solving a traffic jam
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.