melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
asking santa clause for nudes
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.