“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.