Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
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[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*