“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
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My patience has stretch marks.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
This is enough internet for the day.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
scares
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol