Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time