what’s more important?
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What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.