me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
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My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house