I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
💁🏻♂️
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10