Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
can you read it!!??
maan!
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall