CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
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TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.