Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?