[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
This hospital has everything
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Morning.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Finally
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.