*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
You Might Also Like
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs