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man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all