Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
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Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.