If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.