#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
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Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Don’t touch that.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
he was correct
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle