I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Monday
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.