Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
You Might Also Like
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what鈥檚 it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that鈥檚 him
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
馃槀馃槀
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we鈥檙e just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
We didn鈥檛 have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I鈥檓 terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”