If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.