What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
You Might Also Like
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
When they try to steal your moment.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…