I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Fights fire with marshmallows
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳