12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Hot Panini is in big trouble
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Was it something I said?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?