Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
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We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit