Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
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[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.