“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
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Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?