My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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Woke up against my better judgement again
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
wait.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace